to cover it all would probably require a 2-hour (or more) type of lecture. but this trip has been good in being an epilogue to college -- i feel that after this i can well and truly say that i have drawn a line under the penn experience, with its rich landscapes and relationships, and forge onwards with constructing a new life from the fallow ashes of the previous ones.
it's nice to know that some people are less fucked up than you think they were. it takes distance and time to break out of your blinkers.
relationships and life lessons in scarcity and adversity are the biggest takeaway. i only wish that i could escape the smothering embrace of safety at home.
to start off, this trip has been an exercise in showing God's provision in the smallest things -- from catching the bus to not having to pay for accomodation to having the right change at the right time.
it is good to know that so many people remember you and hold you in esteem. an appropriate ego boost i guess, at a stage in life where you are trying to re-establish yourself starting from the bottom of the heap. however, coming back here has made me more painfully aware of the many divergent paths in life -- i can understand your path, but i have chosen another and cannot be your partner going forward. what do i really want to do? i want to have a good professional, spiritual and family life, but it's obviously going to look very different. for someone who runs on belief, it is not so sure anymore.
manhattan (as opposed to the "real" NYC is Queens, Brooklyn and the Bronx - Staten Island is really part of NJ) is a theme park ("fantasyland" being inappropriate) for rich people and tourists. you earn tons, but stuff is so bloody expensive there that you don't have savings anyway. there is something wrong-feeling about the binge living which Manhattanites do -- very much an uber-consumer, as you work like mad, and then do cool stuff like mad on the weekends. hard to build depth. plus your houses are still so small! you only live for yourself, which is a far-ranging concept i now find discomforting. although it still sucks having so many responsibilities at home.
it is difficult living in such a unique combination of multiple worlds, that you realise you are utterly alone.
1 comment:
I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment of Manhattan living. I feel sick every time I'm there because it's like Disneyworld, but without the disclosure of fakeness. It's forever radiant with its own fascination.
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