Outcast and Stranger, Lord of All

He is here.
Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.
He is here.
Forgiving rebellion, wickedness, and sin.
He is here.
To make his dwelling among us.
He is here.
Never to leave you nor forsake you.
He is here.
The testimony is true.
He is here.
As was in the beginning, is now and forever, unto the ages of ages.
He is here.
Peace be with you! Do not be afraid.
He is here.
With mighty hand and outstretched arm.
He is here.
A mighty fortress, a bulwark never failing.
He is here.
For those who have seen affliction by the rod of his wrath.
He is here.
The great love that lets us not be consumed.
He is here.
That we may believe, and by believing have Life.
He is here.

For you and I, chief of sinners.
No greater love,
No higher calling.

Come, give him your broken hearts, for this is the only acceptable sacrifice.

Come quickly!

hark now, i hear them, ding dong bell

Listening:
Everything + Everything Epilogue ~ Safri Duo
Blue Water, Blue Sky ~ Guilty Gear X

christmas is nine days from now. i think not being in america, i have a lot more opportunity to hide away from the crass commercialism that pervades the occasion, though the retailers over here cannot be faulted for lack of trying. no presents from me, bah humbug!

amid all the pomp and pageantry, i think we would do well to remember certain things. our God came in under the radar - no one was expecting it, and the big angelic light show seems to have gone unnoticed by most people. he picked himself the most humble surroundings to be born in.

how does this translate to his work in the landscape of our hearts?

following Saint Francis of Assisi's conversation with a certain Brother Leo:

"When we come to St. Mary of the Angels, soaked by the rain and frozen by the cold, all soiled with mud and suffering from hunger, and we ring at the gate of the Place and the brother porter comes and says angrily: 'Who are you?'

"And we say: 'We are two of your brothers.'

"And he contradicts us, saying: 'You are not telling the truth. Rather you are two rascals who go around deceiving people and stealing what they give to the poor. Go away!'

"And he does not open for us, but makes us stand outside in the snow and rain, cold and hungry, until night falls-then if we endure all those insults and cruel rebuffs patiently, without being troubled and without complaining, and if we reflect humbly and charitably that that porter really knows us and that God makes him speak against us, oh, Brother Leo, write that perfect joy is there!"

Amen, may perfect joy be found in the long but temporary struggle, when trivial "happiness" is not in the way.

what constitutes "doing nothing"? but now that it seems to have been revealed as a test of principles and patience, i shall not be found wanting, by the grace of God. but what is the purpose? at least after yesterday, the logic engine (i hope) can be left in peace to reboot.

loneliness is corrosive.

i may have mentioned this before, but wasn't Jesus born in the summer? in the winter, what were the shepherds doing out in the fields, considering the average nighttime low temperature in December around Jerusalem is about 6 C (43 F)?

i have recently become enamoured with complex percussion beats and bass riffs.

just let it go, what now can never be

currently listening:
Beautiful Things ~ Andain
The Bongo Song ~ Safri Duo

Mavie Marcos has a wonderful voice.

looks like am slipping into post-a-day mode now. it's almost as if there's been some kind of cap that's been removed. i can't for the life of me figure out what i'm procrastinating at though, but given the regularity of the writing output, it's gotta be pretty substantial.

reading my blog posts seem to give the impression that my life is 99% gloom and doom. that's not true - it's only 80% gloom and doom.

today's service in BMC was good. the speaker runs a healing ministry, and he challenged the congregation to show the power of God in our lives. i was shaken when he quoted Hebrews 11:6, part of the passage on faith. he gave powerful testimony on how we should not just believe in God, but also approach him with expectancy today. God's power is not just hidden in the past and to be tapped onto in the future, but necessary for day-to-day living. i agree that faith can be stronger. Increase our faith!

the speaker never stopped giving glory to God in his preaching, which was excellent and right and proper. many good preachers do not give glory to God nowadays, instead focusing on what they or their church have done. remember what happened to Herod in Acts 12.

i think BMC is growing on me. i was struck this morning by its difference with a charismatic megachurch that i attended some weeks ago. this morning at BMC, the drummer called in sick, the worship leader was out of tune, the supporting singers couldn't harmonise, the dancers' tambourines were out of time, and there were numerous spelling errors in the worship songs' lyrics. that's just the 8.30am service!

yet what sums it up was what that out-of-tune worship leader said at the very start, "Say it because you believe it!" before the call to worship.

"Your steadfast love is established forever,
Your fathfulness (sic) is firm as the heavens"

so much more real than the megachurch held in an convention centre hall with a crowd of 3000, a foreign guest band, panning cameras, people jumping up and down and the worship leader / pastor occasionally broke out in tongues. the announcements were also slick MTV style products and there was the requisite altar call at the end where a horde of people showed up in front and got "slain" etc etc. it was very slick and well organised.

i like to think that Jesus was an amateur, and the apostles messed up all the time. ministries that work have a human face which wears no makeup, and a voice which cracks and hiccups from time to time. i don't like churches where the pastor's name is mentioned more frequently than the name of Jesus, or even 10% as frequently. who are we saved by?

the tagline has of course, almost nothing to do with the gist of this post, except that it's a line from the "currently listening" song.

i think there's a big writing project coming up on this site. now if i can find some inspiration to replace the procrastination...

next phase, next stage, next grade, next wave

i've generally been accused of brooding too much over things. it's a function of having a mind that's too quick by half, an impatient temperament, and a tendency to prefer to do things rather than sit around and bitch about stuff.

as i mentioned previously, it is my sincere belief that i am doomed to be forever lurching from one struggle to another. only Grace keeps me going, and allows me to hack through the endless thickets without getting scratched too badly or falling into holes that are too big. so now that i'm free of that @!$%) exam, the idle mind attracts another crisis... except that this one (exceptionally) does not grow out of one of my hare-brained schemes.

House mentions that the titular character as having a "Rubik's Complex", referring to his obsessive need to solve problems (in this case, diagnosing patients). this problem is as intractable as anything.

i don't like mixed signals. for someone who keeps going by observing and interpreting information, this really gums up the entire system you know? i think you're a wonderful person. you are God-fearing, intelligent, articulate, compassionate, aesthetic, fun-loving, etc etc. i am, quite rightly, flattered by your attention, your care and how you continually (am i looking at it all wrong?) tiptoeing softly into my field of vision, and press all the right buttons to break that rock-hard shell in that particular way.

however:
"You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

and

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

ok, so the wife / manservant / maidservant / ox / donkey part doesn't really apply, but still you belong to someone else currently.

why am i being tempted like this? i just try to do the right thing. wtf is really going on here?

a calling, perhaps?

i think i may have actually found a job that i actually like, instead of "not dislike", in a serendipitious manner, while at my current job (despite how much i bitch about it).

investing and watching the markets is, in many ways a "derivative" of what i really like in life, which is to watch people and solutions, make conclusions, and then make (hopefully good) decisions. of course, making money helps too =)

i don't think there exists any profession which enables you to exercise your opinions as much as investing. long term of course, none of that gambling type short term hedge fund pump and dump thing. i mean having an opinion, a view on the world, and being able to act on it.

think people in aggregate are shifting towards a more short-term view on life? (vs long term gains, for example). probably money to made at the long end of the yield curve, or anticipating a prolonged depression in interest rates.

think that the world is moving towards dictatorships (or "illiberal democracy"), but remaining open to free markets? look out for countries that might try to adopt this strategy, bearing in mind that it produces huge short to medium term economic gains, especially if the dictatorships can properly mobilise resources in a way a squabbling democracy / anarchy cannot.

so yeah, at least i've figured out what i want to try my hand at next. that's a good thing =)

olive wind

this is a calm post, and as opportunities for pointless procrastination will be few and far between for the next few days, the beginning of a short break.

the @!#&=^ CFA exam is over, thank God. came out of it with my sanity intact, and no longer too sure on whether i want to continue with a program that is growing in irrelevance to a very relevant field.

plenty of things for thanksgiving, so this will be a post for thanksgiving.

"Is not the cup of thanksgiving for which we give thanks a participation in the blood of Christ?"

the cup of wrath and suffering has become a cup of thanksgiving. though life has sucked, there's still plenty to be thankful for, though we shouldn't get too carried away, for we are still in the stage of suffering and bearing burdens before our final redemption.

for scripture and a love of Scripture, which is the consort of Reason through informed Faith.
for whispers of comfort in the dark silence. for good music. for sleep. for good books. for friends who come out of the woodwork.

and most of all (and the biggest lesson) - thanksgiving in adversity.

as the year winds down, i hope to hear from all of you (by voice or live) soon!

ARGH

well some of you probably know that as part of the requirement to keep up general toolishness in the working world, i've signed up for the Chartered Financial Analyst exam which takes place this Sunday.

i hate it. it sucks.

although the material is definitely useful, the exam stinks. it is basically 2 sessions of 120 multiple-choice questions each. all memorisation, tons of details and formulas to cram, and not much of the actually creative thinking and derivation that marks most of finance.

finance is supposed tough but hey, you can rely on your wits most of the time right? plus there is always reference material and Excel to rely on. who cares whether you can figure out what Chebyshev's inequality is for 3 standard deviations within a non-normal distribution?

fuck that shit. i think i'm not gonna retake it when i fail it (40% pass rate, i've been scoring average of 50-55% on the practices). there are far more effective and efficient ways to be a good financial analyst than to try to chong for a paper qualification. after all, i have the degree from W****** right? that should be worth something.

i feel like such a failure, dammit. well turnabout is fair play, and this is payback for the 16 years' worth of exams i smoked, cheated and slacked my way through. at least most others had cheat sheets, scope for smoking and enough leeway for you to derive stuff from first principles. this one is either you memorised or didn't memorise it, with a little bit of calculator skillz (doesn't everyone use excel nowadays?) involved.

ARGH

ok, now that i've calmed down a bit, please pray for me that i can survive this, and that i will be able to deal with the impending failure. haven't really "not passed" an exam since, well, Sec 2 (8th grade) so it's been awhile.

---

these pointless posts hide the good stuff underneath

who would have guessed?

fragments of memories

i should be studying for my exam now, but saw a post on someone else's blog, and just had to write. this is written partly in stream of consciousness, partly in prose, and might possibly be disjointed.

"And if I say: 'I will not make mention of Him, nor speak any more in His name', then there is in my heart, as it were, a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I weary myself to hold it in, but cannot." ~ Jeremiah 20:9

And He said: 'Let me go, for the day breaks.' And he said: 'I will not let you go, except if you bless me.' And He said unto him: 'What is your name?' And he said: 'Jacob.' And He said: 'Your name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel; for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.' ~ Genesis 32:27-29

Has anyone seen the sun set in the aftermath of a thunderstorm, with the city lights flashing darkly off an angry red sky?

While some have been given the path of innocent trust, of wide-eyed wonder and optimism, of an infectious (possibly artificial?) brightness and moderation.... A path walked in conjunction luckily, for their personality is magnetic, with a concerned and buzzing group of like-minded people for support. But for others -

The path to walk is in the heights by the path of daggers,
Where skies are ebony, scarlet, or granite, or a brilliant sapphire,
Left with nothing but a Word as a lamp for my feet,
Of trust tinged with doubt and patience and belief
Of narrow, observing eyes -- peeled for danger yet impressed by miracles
Of the meaningful paradoxical no man's land between a struggling despair with the weight of the world against the infinite crumb of hope (extracted at great cost from the bottom of Pandora's Box) brought about, as it were, by the Absolute and Infinite.

A path of hermits, a path of the solitary traveller, a path of the discoverer of new worlds, a path lonely but never alone.

Much has changed - four years of wringing out the misanthropy has changed me into someone who is energised, indeed cannot survive, without meaningful human company.

There once was a Christian man who asked an Atheist: How many lives has your faith changed for the better?

And why, at one fell swoop, has it all been taken away? Leaving nothing but ghostly voices and 8-bit expressions from the ether? Allowed to suffer once more with desires raging out of control and wrongly repressed to conform with the Right?

(Do I entertain you?
Do I preoccupy you with my wit to cover this lie?
Are you mesmerized?
Do you think me faithful, do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, I put on this hat
I wore all this paint just for you)

(All the feelings they remain like a still life
A dying swan song forever lost your cries of glory)

Does anyone know the two songs (same title) which contain these lines?

Through it all, nothing like the Word of God. Nothing like its song and its gentle whisper, for God was not in the wind, nor in the earthquake, nor in the fire.

"In Him there is no darkness at all."

Whisper words of comfort. Of sense in this dreary and upside-down world. Is there someone watching my back? Who is there to say, "Be Still!" But why does the same One subject me to all these things? Does sin increase, so that grace increase all the more? Lead us not into temptation.

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him ~ Philippians 3:7-9a

low morale

i think i need someone to kick my ass, like, big time to shake me out of this stupor.

swung back to the low end of the mania-depression spectrum again, only this time it's not the i-want-to-kick-your-ass kind of sadness, but more the i-am-sad-and-i-suck kind. yechhh. not normal.

does everyone really assume that there are no passions, no mania, no soft-and-fuzziness and no lacerations under the boiler plate sardonic humour and unflappable countenance?

no worries, eh?

this artist occasionally blasphemes, but he's got a good point every now and then:
http://www.sinfest.net

the history of medicine

saw this somewhere:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."

things are moving forward now, perhaps at light speed. not bored anymore, but on the verge of being overwhelmed. may God save my ass again, like he always does!

it's been awhile

generally, when i don't blog for awhile, it means that i have been deliriously happy with my state of life. unfortunately, the past three weeks (or months) do not fall into this category.

if you want any more dirt, we'll probably have to take it private.

there's a girl in there somewhere though. it's an odd feeling, considering that i've sworn off that particular vice for the better part of 2½ years already. nice person, not sure if i'm ready or she's ready, but it would be nice if the picture was a little less hazy, or i was a little more patient.

one problem with making friends with girls here is that they instantaneously think you're trying to get into a relationship. most irritating to forming conducive friendships, considering that in my previous life, most of my friends were female (which makes me quite the ladies' man hur hur hur)

(i'm taking a bit of a risk here, considering that she does have access to my facebook profile with this URL on there, but what the heck)

i think a lot of deep thoughts on the commute. i wish i could note them down somewhere, but they all come out in the all-too-frequent farts that happen when i sit down in my comfy chair at work or at home. i will probably make billions if i ever got to remembering them and putting them into practice.

work has improved a little bit, thankfully. i am busy, if not very challenged.

i visited a couple with their newborn baby. *waves at baby jed*

a Malay tradition has it that the only 5 material things a man needs to be happy is: a wife, a home, a horse, a singing bird, and a kris knife. is it too much to ask?

i want to sing. i wish someone else could sing with me. one, or many, it doesn't matter. maybe i can serenade too. i have not serenaded before.

and also listen to classical music and elaborately arranged trance and heavy rock tracks; and poofle around the city to explore its nooks and crannies; and talk and think deep stuff about life, the universe and everything; and pray; and praise; and to share the warmth of a common presence; and cook and eat mouth-watering delicacies; and travel and see the wonderful sights, sounds, textures, smells and tastes of creation; and spar with using outrageous thoughts and uncommon angles; and to do good and give back to society; and most of all to reflect that one Love which is the raison d'etre of all men and to which we cling to in the darkest days.

why was it built up, only to be torn down? although new life does not arise unless a seed dies.

there are many opportunities to make money, given the right instruments. you cannot serve both God and Mammon.

it's no longer just betrayals. maybe people just move on and have short memories. loyalty is a valuable commodity. can we put up an ETF for that?

why don't people return my calls and SMSes?

and thus the tick-tick-tick of the mind goes on, ignorant of the 1% fall in the Dow.

who in the world reads this in the first place?

haven't found a chocolate cream

and pats on the back are in short supply.

State of Life

Listening Eminem ~ Stan
(and by extension) Dido ~ Thank You

Peanuts, 19 October 1960 (http://www.snoopy.com)

insanity

My mind rebels at stagnation. Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram, or the most intricate analysis, and I am in my own proper atmosphere. I can dispense then with artificial stimulants. But I abhor the dull routine of existence. I crave for mental exaltation. ~ Sherlock Holmes - The Sign of Four

"Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun? ~ Ecclesiates 1:2-3

Thus it is... it is boredom! Ennui! The breaking and slow and painful rebuilding of relationships that take years to put together and months, if not weeks, to break apart. The routine-ness of going through rules and regulations - the tedium of being under-utilised. Where can I get away from?

Those of you who are familiar enough with me will know that I am a little bit bipolar. Underneath a placid, trivial, goofy exterior is a manic ball of energy which combusts spontaneously and frantically, focused like a laser and bringing down barriers to understanding, or if left unattended to its own devices capable of the most spectacular and pitiful acts of self-destruction. I wish, just wish, I could be consistently applied. College academic work was mostly boring but at least there was the wonderful world of relationships to explore. But now? Not even working 30%! (i wouldn't want to be working at 100% though, 70% is good enough).

no offense meant, but i'm in general not being surrounded with exciting people. where to find? exciting people very atas, me low budget, high labour activity.

arghhhhhh.

where is the lion-tamer? the flame has only been tamed by one and one person only thus far... will there be any development on that front? will our hero soar to greater heights or be lost forever in that hall of mirrors of his own making?

How Can One Remove Theta from the Yield Curve to Obtain An Interest Rate Movement Projection?

all finance junkies who read this website, please comment!

position paper

short rant.

while i may strike some as being, occasionally xenophobic and atavistically protective, to the point of being sometimes racist, of what it means to be "Singaporean", i'd like to take a few cues from the oft-despised Americans, who have successfully integrated diverse immigrants from beyond the traditional base of Europeans.

i think why there is a groundswell of popular discontent against "foreigners" in Singapore is that many of them are but transient workers who take up PR-ship, enjoy many of its privileges, but get around to actually being "Singaporean" and setting up roots here. many of them maintain links to their motherland of have ambitions to use this place as a stepping stone to "first-rate" countries like (almost uniformly among these so-called "Singaporeans") the USA, Canada, the UK or Australia.

i personally don't have a problem with "diversifying" beyond the usual base of (southern) Chinese, Malays and (southern) Indians. hell, i wouldn't mind being in a trench with a white devil during NS or reservist. maybe they can teach me some exotic sounding swear words as well.

but what i resent are foreigners that come in, get all the jobs, but do not participate in institutions that define national identity like serving NS, complaining, food, Singlish (which the gahmen is unwisely still trying to eradicate), kiasuism, government criticism and retaining some of that homely rural generosity, hard work and common sense (the "kampung" spirit) which helped our nation be what it is today.

"bloody ang moh. come here, take my job, take my woman, take my seat on the MRT train."

i'm not afraid of out-competing or being out-competed by such types, but it matters a lot what they give to the society in return, rather than veni, vidi and vici-ing.

parable

Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right side to accuse him. The LORD said to Satan, "The LORD rebuke you, Satan! The LORD, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?"

Now Joshua was dressed in filthy clothes as he stood before the angel. The angel said to those who were standing before him, "Take off his filthy clothes." Then he said to Joshua, "See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put rich garments on you."
~ Zechariah 3:1-3

The kingdom of God is like a general who led his army into battle. Upon seeing a wounded enemy soldier fall before him and reach for him for help, he put the wounded soldier on his back and carried him to camp.

God-shaped hole

listening: Avenue Q

wonderfully politically incorrect, direct, brash, etc.

"God-shaped hole" - some use that term. but it is quite a beautiful thing. for some, that longing, that fatal flaw, that particular tendency to be inspired (in a particularly godless friend of mine, natch), the search for something (truth?), the elegant solution. but that ugliness is beautiful in its own way.

i think i'm sniffling. damn.

i miss these voiceovers from wc3 - not the quotes, just the way they are said:
- Arthas (Evil) - "Tread lightly"
- Crypt Lord - "Indubitably" => i get the inspiration to scare the bejeezers out of Joanne from this one.

everytime i see you oh i try to hide away

lost connections, missed appointments, dropped chats.

it seems like it's all fading away, like another life. the realm of dreams. dreams of frigid winter, long spring days, stagnant summer, the gloom of falling leaves.

when friends disappear, and the sound of many voices is replaced by the tinny echo, no, the flat monotone of arial 10 or verdana 8 on facebook, aim, msn or yahoo mail.

at best, the crackle across light years of skype.

a new life. empty. returned from exile, but exiled into familiarity. a different person, but still a child in a land that never stops still, worships change as an idol, but still treats you as if you were frozen in time.

i think, maybe it might be time. but let the Lord's house be built first. (Haggai)

but how?

phrases

"darkness and devils!"

"all the best women are married, all the handsome men are gay / you feel deprived."

difficult to reconcile my first two loves, God and Money
=> you cannot work for Money, you must make Money work for you.

the veil of farce.

poignant longing.

blog now no need to use password. cannot access from work.

still drifting.

You Are Charlie Brown!

Which Peanuts Character Are You?
	You are Charlie Brown. You are always optimistic and persistent, and everyone appreciates your simple sweetness. Sometimes, however, your anxieties get the best of you, and life's mysteries can confuse you.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

it might be ADD, or something else

song - Aalto ~ Resolution

song - Take That ~ Beautiful World
there are some songs that are permanently, sentimentally, soppily attached to a person, or a period of time. this is one of them.

I seem to have trouble focusing on stuff at hand, especially at work, even when deadlines are piling up. I seldom find the occasion to focus 100%, and put the full power of my brain to work. is it a lack of a challenge? or ADD? or just plain old indiscipline and procrastination?

also i'm glad that certain relationships were closed off to me. they are so happy that it will be impossible for them to survive a full-on blast of the depressingly hopeful version of reality i live in.

sad

reading: kazuro ishiguro ~ remains of the day

listening: Tiesto ft Christian Burns ~ In the Dark
~ excellent couple song.

there is MEXICAN BUFFET in Singapore.
i wanna go!
but its like $54.00 per head for dinner O.O

post name of the rose thoughts

book: Umberto Eco, The Name of the Rose

song: FF10 - Rikku
nice tropical relaxed song. on the same theme, it's a cute girl's idee fixe.

song: ATB - Believe in Me
strong and plaintive

on the poverty of Christ and his disciples

property ownership wasn't the problem. it is about fulfilling needs and sharing your stuff.

Acts 2:44-45 "All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling they possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need."

on the separation of church and state

Jesus expressly refused to take up any earthly power. Instead, he sought to focus the minds of those in temporal power on the right things, especially the purposes of God.

many excesses of the church were committed because they removed their attention from the person and underlying purpose and relationship with the one God.

to think about (future post?):
- "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. "
- people who talk too much

next post (tentative):
- on the beauty of women as a snare

current important things to do:
- investment account
- learn how to right-hand drive
- rebuild the house of God
- make money
- save up for May trip to US
- mug for CFA (in december)
- get approval for CFA
- get more exciting assignments
- 练习中文
- direction of life

chope seat

*looks around furtively*

hello?

maybe i should reopen here. there's always that urge to write that somehow, disappears when you actually do sit down to write. all those thoughts disappear like motes of smoke in a chilly wind.