recently, i've started to journal. so this means that all the angsty thoughts are now committed to a little exercise book rather than blogspot, so this means less angsty, meaty thoughts here. will still put something up if the urge seizes though.
one year anniversary is good. stability. better than veering from high madness to low madness, so it is good. activities, a new community. picking up steam, cutting off the deadwood of the old. feels like a new world now. more refreshing. new people, new activities, new me, hopefully.
and without thinking too much about it, hopefully a way to move forward and not run around like a headless chicken anymore.
oh yes, and the Chinese version of wiki has an auto-translate to simplified. i am happy.
Monday, 28 July 2008
Saturday, 19 July 2008
live forever, for the moment
you know your life is screwed up when an old Spice Girls song gets stuck on "replay" in your head. mind you, Viva Forever is pretty decent by any standards, but still...
still on music - some of you would be familiar with my distaste for modern Christian rock / pop / whatever worship music. glad to say that i've gotten more accepting about it over the years, but there is still a discomfort with the whole genre which i can't completely put my finger on. perhaps its exacerbated by the love i have for most "traditional" worship styles:
- mostly not performed by any artiste or the property of any record company (and therefore "common property";
- sung "live" rather than on a record - the intimate human element;
- that soaring feeling you get when you sing a complicated line or a cheem one with deep meaning expressed through complex language (yes i'm a snob)
- etc.
while modern worship music is "in tune" and energetic like young people should be (thus it serves a purpose in connecting people to God after all), for me it's largely about achieving a shallow "feel good" state. kind of losing yourself, but not really hitting the God thing. and did i talk about how it's too loud most of the time? i can't hear you man! although sometimes God shouts through the cacophony and knocks it into some semblance of "true worship". i still like the intense, still, quiet voice that erases all doubt rather than trying to overwhelm your attention.
not to mention that many modern worship leaders are epitomes of "interminable". at least for hymns you can only sing the same verse and the chorus a couple of times before the intensity knocks the breath out of you. bad leaders go on and on at a low level until they bore the crap out first. yeesh.
ok, end rant. like i said, it's good for some people, but maybe i'm just behind the times (or too far ahead). that's why i choose to wake up at 7.00am on Sunday mornings.
still on music - some of you would be familiar with my distaste for modern Christian rock / pop / whatever worship music. glad to say that i've gotten more accepting about it over the years, but there is still a discomfort with the whole genre which i can't completely put my finger on. perhaps its exacerbated by the love i have for most "traditional" worship styles:
- mostly not performed by any artiste or the property of any record company (and therefore "common property";
- sung "live" rather than on a record - the intimate human element;
- that soaring feeling you get when you sing a complicated line or a cheem one with deep meaning expressed through complex language (yes i'm a snob)
- etc.
while modern worship music is "in tune" and energetic like young people should be (thus it serves a purpose in connecting people to God after all), for me it's largely about achieving a shallow "feel good" state. kind of losing yourself, but not really hitting the God thing. and did i talk about how it's too loud most of the time? i can't hear you man! although sometimes God shouts through the cacophony and knocks it into some semblance of "true worship". i still like the intense, still, quiet voice that erases all doubt rather than trying to overwhelm your attention.
not to mention that many modern worship leaders are epitomes of "interminable". at least for hymns you can only sing the same verse and the chorus a couple of times before the intensity knocks the breath out of you. bad leaders go on and on at a low level until they bore the crap out first. yeesh.
ok, end rant. like i said, it's good for some people, but maybe i'm just behind the times (or too far ahead). that's why i choose to wake up at 7.00am on Sunday mornings.
Sunday, 13 July 2008
whewww...
so She Aten't Dead after all. after cutting out zonealarm, figured that it was really a software problem, and now she's hale and hearty again! hooray for Thinkpads =)
following on from nick mc's comment. forgot to mention also that passion hurts people... and most people prefer the insipidity of coolness to the fire of passion, so they resist it and it forms a wall. but no passion also cannot, cos ppl think you're a dud.
tough choices, as i like to say.
following on from nick mc's comment. forgot to mention also that passion hurts people... and most people prefer the insipidity of coolness to the fire of passion, so they resist it and it forms a wall. but no passion also cannot, cos ppl think you're a dud.
tough choices, as i like to say.
Thursday, 10 July 2008
disaster!
i am in what is commonly known as a Bad Mood. not the usual grouchiness, pretty pissed off.
the trusty laptop is dead. the old girl finally gave up the ghost after four years of faithful service. she still turns on and stuff, it's just that she can't access the internet anymore, which is the computer equivalent of being brain dead.
is it wrong to tell off someone that you're disappointed she keeps turning you down?
is it wrong to give up and schedule stuff over an appointment pre-emptively when you know that other person's unreliableness will soon take over and the appointment will get cancelled anyway?
apparently some people at work have discovered i'm cheerful and enthusiastic about some things. maybe its a secret that should be let on a little bit more. it's just weird though, being enthusiastic about something that is totally boring. a considered coolness and disinterest is much more energy conserving though. plus you don't get surprised too much.
the root is fear, because passion means suffering. and to let your suffering show, is weakness. how would you give yourself to those who might not understand?
but there is no connection.
the trusty laptop is dead. the old girl finally gave up the ghost after four years of faithful service. she still turns on and stuff, it's just that she can't access the internet anymore, which is the computer equivalent of being brain dead.
is it wrong to tell off someone that you're disappointed she keeps turning you down?
is it wrong to give up and schedule stuff over an appointment pre-emptively when you know that other person's unreliableness will soon take over and the appointment will get cancelled anyway?
apparently some people at work have discovered i'm cheerful and enthusiastic about some things. maybe its a secret that should be let on a little bit more. it's just weird though, being enthusiastic about something that is totally boring. a considered coolness and disinterest is much more energy conserving though. plus you don't get surprised too much.
the root is fear, because passion means suffering. and to let your suffering show, is weakness. how would you give yourself to those who might not understand?
but there is no connection.
Sunday, 6 July 2008
tubthumpin
annual dinner was good. won a nice prize by coming in 2nd for the video we made (it might make it up onto youtube sometime). it was good to get the high and rush from a do-or-die environment of organising, eating, and going on stage at the same time. good kind of tired.
a significant outcome of the weekend was the acquisition of the "smoking gun" data needed to make a decision to excise a particular relationship. flee temptation as they say.
perhaps it will be necessary to change tack a little bit and to resurrect that "teaser" side, the chatty and game extrovert, unafraid of being the occasional ass and "inviting yourself" to things. of course the best relationships are the ones which go deep. unfortunately, those involve some amount of digging. props to the ones who have pried me open successfully, occasionally with a crowbar. i hope the rewards are worth the while.
maybe its just me, or are the people here (or is it work?) just too "disinterested"? they seem to be perfectly happy with the little circle they've drawn around themselves, and are willing to pick up on the inconsistencies, the interesting shit, the anomalies, the flips in texture of reality. unfortunately its hard to get along with the interesting people, cos they're either too busy working, have issues, or are just plain assholes, or all three. trust me, i know =p
its the one-year anniversary. some people say that it takes this amount of time to get used to the reverse culture shock. but it doesn't really feel like it. what there is is a sense of alienation, as you are now fully cut-off from your old surroundings but floating as some kind of foreign particle in a new petri dish.
back to work tomorrow. it's been pretty attritional, and not all of it very uplifting. oh well where are the ECAs and the hot chicks???
a significant outcome of the weekend was the acquisition of the "smoking gun" data needed to make a decision to excise a particular relationship. flee temptation as they say.
perhaps it will be necessary to change tack a little bit and to resurrect that "teaser" side, the chatty and game extrovert, unafraid of being the occasional ass and "inviting yourself" to things. of course the best relationships are the ones which go deep. unfortunately, those involve some amount of digging. props to the ones who have pried me open successfully, occasionally with a crowbar. i hope the rewards are worth the while.
maybe its just me, or are the people here (or is it work?) just too "disinterested"? they seem to be perfectly happy with the little circle they've drawn around themselves, and are willing to pick up on the inconsistencies, the interesting shit, the anomalies, the flips in texture of reality. unfortunately its hard to get along with the interesting people, cos they're either too busy working, have issues, or are just plain assholes, or all three. trust me, i know =p
its the one-year anniversary. some people say that it takes this amount of time to get used to the reverse culture shock. but it doesn't really feel like it. what there is is a sense of alienation, as you are now fully cut-off from your old surroundings but floating as some kind of foreign particle in a new petri dish.
back to work tomorrow. it's been pretty attritional, and not all of it very uplifting. oh well where are the ECAs and the hot chicks???
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